Being a Mother Is Hard
Being a mom wasn’t always something I loved. It wasn’t what I expected, and it was more than I thought I could handle.
After having Maisy Jo, I was overcome with this heavy, dark cloud that felt so suffocating. It made it impossible for me to get out of bed, let alone enjoy being a mother.
I wasn’t okay.
I was depressed and irritable.
I didn’t feel like a good mom.
I was scared that my sadness was going to rub off on my daughter.
I felt guilty for feeling how I was, and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy.
It took all of my energy just to make it through the day. I struggled for months with horrible depression. I cried more than my baby did.
I thought I would feel that sadness for the rest of my life.
Even as I was overcome with this sadness, I knew deep down I needed to figure out how to push through.
So I held onto my daughter. I chose to focus on her. She honestly saved me and was the reason I fought so hard.
I finally went and got help after months of putting it off. I pushed through my anxieties because I knew not getting to watch my child grow up was not an option for me. She needed and still needs her mama.
Everyday was a tough battle, and some days it still is. Some days all I want to do is hide in the bathroom and avoid everything. But I’m here still, and that’s enough. I’m feeling more and more like myself, and I’m showing up every single day for her because she needs me.
I’m not a perfect mother. I’m fact I’m the opposite, but I’m still trying. What matters is that I’m pushing through the hard stuff, and choosing to hold onto my daughter. I’m going to be here for her, and I’m going to keep fighting no matter how hard it gets. She’s worth it all.
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